5 Things Sports Leagues Should Do If The Rapture Starts On May 21

With all this talk of the end of the world going on (lead by this ugly jerkoff – I mean dude is as ugly as Antonio Silva’s head is big), I think it’s only fair to speculate ridiculously, in light of such a ridiculous proclamation. And what better way to do so then to talk about things that we would love to see changed in the sporting world, that would benefit fans, players, owners (fuck owners), and make the leagues better as a whole? None, you say? We’ll go with “none”. Read on for the result of a light sports news day. (SJ beat VAN tonight, if you care… but you don’t.)

#1) NO. MORE. BCS. I think this has to be the single biggest desire among fans of any sports league right now. Granted, the shit’s gonna go down on 05/21 and wrap up sometime in October, so we won’t get to see the fruits of the labor… but at least we would go out knowing that it would have been right if only there was more time. Also, let’s ban Notre Dame from playing, so that they don’t stink up the joint. They’re terrible.

#2) Goodbye salary caps/luxury taxes. Everywhere, gone. You want to buy a championship, Yankees? What about you, Cowboys? Trying to lighten your wallet a bit, Mark Cuban? Have at it!! Supermarket sweep, baby. Sure, this will give like 5 teams a chance to win in each league, but we’ll essentially have all-star games at least every week or two with that kind of talent isolated to a handful of teams. The better option is that all athletes play for free and a random draft determines who plays where, but c’mon… we’re talking about PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES here. That shit would NEVER happen.

#3) Nashville gets an NBA and MLB team. And Manchester United. And an amusement park, and some restaurants that stay open past 9’o-freakin’clock… sorry Bangers, I digress. What I meant to say is:

REAL #3) All major sports leagues rotate around to any city with a big enough arena/stadium to hold a game. Would be nice for more people to be exposed to live sporting events before their trip upstairs (or downstairs for some of us). Hell, stick ’em in a high school gym or a cornfield. Who cares? Not everyone wants to head to the downtown area of a big city to catch a game.

#4) No cutoff to the amount of booze that fans can purchase/consume. This one is self-explanatory; yeah, it will breed violence and idiocy, but who cares?!? Besides, if folks are getting blotto at games, they won’t be looting, raping or killing anyone. They won’t be fighting back the inevitable hordes of zombies either, but it’s still a fair trade-off.

#5) Let ’em juice. Now is not the time to be concerned with record books and Hall of Fame eligibility, nor should we care about the potential long-term effects. In fact, make the ‘roids mandatory, kick back and watch all the HRs, TDs, 3-pointers and slap-shots that you can muster. For their safety, the refs should also be required to get their fill of the good stuff.

There you have it, Bangers. Now let’s just hope that none of these things have to come to fruition. Except the BCS thing – that should happen regardless. Get on it, Bill Hancock.

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