Story Time

So, I was trying to watch the new American Gladiators and I couldn’t. As a big fan of the original, I gave the new one a shot and 20 minutes into the show, I had to turn it off. There was too much bullshit. The Gladiators were miced and talking to the contenders. They did that before in the first season and it stopped very quickly. There was a good reason for that. There was also too much whoredom overall. I had no interest in looking at the Subway Gladiator Stats. Hulk Hogan can’t MC at all. He’s still cutting promos and working the crowd. Layla Ali may be a very talented athlete but she can’t MC either. She can dance, she can knock you the fuck out, but she cannot interview you sensably.But it reminded me of one of the best offshoots of the action sports shows of the 1990’s. And no it was Battle Dome. Although I swear one of the current Gladiators was a Dome Warrior. Anyway, it was Nickleodeon Guts. What better than a bunch of akward 12 year-olds participating in akward sporting events while being screamed at by a coked-out Mike O’Malley. I’ll tell you waht would be better… Gary Busey hosting a revival. Except he gets the coke this time. We’d call it Gary Busey Yells At Your Kids and it would be brilliant. They’d do that bungie cord basketball dunk game and Gary would hook up as well, reecting kid after kid screaming “Not in my house you little shit!!”. They’d get to the Aggro Crag (you remember that?) and he be up top belloing something about bunnies and ice cream until the first kid’s hand grabs the ledge and he’d stomp on it and cackle as they tumbled down. They’d try to award the winner, who by now would be bleeding with a black eye, a chunk of the Crag and Gary’d take a bat to their knees, steal the rock, then sprint with it back to his little corner of the studio where he keeps all of the trophies he’s stolen. Then he pulls out his pistol and starts guarding his loot. Yeah, that’d be great.

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