With Barack Obama’s presumptive nomination this week, I am faced with having to sit down and think about my beliefs and then figure out which presidential candidate fit my ideals closest. I know this is more than the average voter will do, basing their choice solely on the capital letter following the candidate’s name. Taking a preliminary survey of Senator McCain and Senator Obama’s platforms, it is clear to me that neither of them are my ideal candidate. This of course will lead me to many nights of bliss as I play drinking games to their presidential debates. After thinking some more I realized that the only ideal candidate for me is… me. With that being said, I present the first part of my platform. See what you think.
Plank #1 – Energy Dependence
We rely too much on oil. Period. Most of this goes into transportation and manufacturing. We should keep all the stuff that goes into making stuff. Like did you know they make plastic from oil? True story. That means they make those cool whiffle bats outta oil. Those shits are fun as hell. You can play a game in the backyard with your buds, get drunk, then beat the hell out of each other and it doesn’t hurt that bad. As for transportation, we need to go places in this country. And not just to the bar or the liquor store. I mean like real places like work and home and sometime out for a slice a pizza and shit. This takes gas, which if you haven’t noticed is expensive as shit. To remedy this, I’m proposing a national tube network with these big tubes that you can get into and they’ll take you wherever you wanna go. No shit! I came up the idea one day when I was tripping really hard on vicadin and Nyqul. Then I told my buddy, whose like an engineer guy about what I saw and he’s all like, we can do that. And I was like, no way. And he was like, seriously. And I was like no shit. And he was like fuck yeah. And I was like whoooooaaaaa. And he was like, fuck yeah, now pass that shit over. And I did. Anyway, no more cars, we got scientists working on tubes.
Plank #2 – Foreign Relations
Now I know that most of the world hates us and that’s cool with me. If y’all wanna beef, that’s fine. But don’t be coming to us and asking for shit next time something in your poor ass county blows up or some huge wall of water comes in and fucked everything up. And I know a lot of the Middle East hates us. Whatever. You can hate us as long as you stay the fuck over there. But if you even look at us the wrong way again… I’m gonna fuck you up bad. I’m not gonna send over troops to blow the hell outta your pile of rocks or whatever. We are gonna send a couple of aircraft carriers into the Persian Gulf armed with the biggest set of speakers that you’ve ever seen. It’s gonna take like a PT boat next to the thing just to hold the amps fo rthe fuckers. And we’re gonna blast the new Madonna piece of shit album on a constant loop, 24/7. See how the fuck you like that! They’ll come begging to us to surrender in a week. Fuck that noise.